F*CK YOU AND LOLLOLLOLOLLOLL

Who the fuck (Nicholas) Caged my blog????

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Just keep smili…

Quote

Just keep smiling!

I hate “staying strong” it’s as if your fighting with life and not enjoying it. When you learn to dance in the rain and smile with your pain you receive the key to happiness.  

Secrets

I keep so many little secrets as if they were worth keeping. It’s not that I have something to hide, I just… feel secure. Knowing that I have something in my mind that no one else knows. As if not telling anyone makes it more significant. Which in reality it does.ts to actually hear what I have to say, only when it’s off limits for there ears to hear. Maybe I’m just being immature.

Him

First of all I’d like to say, thank you guys so much for liking my last post I really didn’t expect to get recognition so early and it made me bubble with happiness!

Him, he’s .. What can I say? We use to be so content vowing we were soul mates. It was love, I know it was, maybe just my first though. He took me as I was, which could in fact be precisely the problem, as I was. He loved me for the happy energetic weirdo I was, but I’m not happy anymore, I’m depressed in this rut I am so dying to get out of. Some days I just think, he can’t handle me this way, maybe thats love, my pain is just starting to hurt him to much. But there’s a bigger problem, a much bigger problem, he’s gone. He’s been gone for so long it’s a miracle we’ve made it this far. Nine moths, nine months, I’m still but a child and so confused where I’m going the question is pounding in my ears, Is it worth it? He’s been gone longer than we were together! But we held on, we’ve held on tight praying that one day things will turn right. We’ve put scars on each other all because this distance has gotten to our heads. Honestly, He’s the first person to show me what love was, he’s the first person that made me feel loved, that I was worth loving, and that I was beautiful. We weren’t some silly kids, we were pushing each other to grow further become better we never fell into this love like fools, we rose. But… he’s gone now. Talking to him is a bad drug making me sick but I’m to addicted to quit. Every time I hear his voice over the phone I brake and hurt, because he’s not here. He won’t be here tomorrow or the next day, the next week or month. He’s been gone so long, in my childish perception of time that is, that I’ve began to forget what his love was really like. It’s a faint echo in my heart, in the back of my mind, faded memories of what we hold onto. It’s terrorizing. I want to let go, hang up the phone, but it feels so much worse when I don’t even have a voice there. I’m so sick, so sick of waiting. I’m so sick of hurting, we’re both hurting. Do I cut the string to let us free? Or do we hold on to something once so shiny and beautiful?

Just go with it <3

First of all I would like to say, I’m done writing my story, I can’t keep up there’s just so many beautiful and ugly things going on in my life for me to keep up with writing on my past. I want to share my thoughts, feelings, what I’m going through now with you my readers and I hope there is someone out there willing to listen. As of now I’m not for sure what or where I’m going with this blog, maybe it doesn’t have a direction, maybe it doesn’t NEED a direction just the beauty of pure me in one blog. I want to show you my pain, my happiness, my love, my hate, I want to show you, my readers that your not alone, your never alone. I want to be heard, I want my words to inspire and these are my babysteps. 

~Just Keep Smiling

Part 16

My memory is fuzzy with the details but I will continue with the story. About two weeks passed, Orion was grounded and couldn’t hangout. Joe walked me home from robotics club. I beamed with happiness. Life was good, Life was great. Walking down the street I ran into Orion, Matt and new guy Jacob. Joe walked back to the school. The guys walked over to me and I pranced around in my little hyper active happiness. We went into the graveyard next to the school. Orion looked adorable in his JROTC uniform, Matt dressed as well, as for new guy he looked dark an scary. We walked around and sat on a tombstone in the far back. Orion kissed me. How romantic? Over some dead guy. Jacob spoke up and laughed at us. I laughed back and made a few crude jokes about death. He laughed, “I like this girl she’s pretty weird”. I smiled. We walked back to the school and dropped off Matt and Orion. Orion told me to wait with Jacob.
Jacob and I sat on the hill behind the school attempting to make small talk. Then he randomly started braiding my hair and I thought “Well that’s weird 0_o”. But a good weird. We walked to the auditorium and sat down. He played Bullet, by Hollywood Undead. One of my favorite songs. This guy man. And then he told me how he hid pot over near where we were at. “In the school area???” Well what a badass I thought. We exchanged numbers and went into the school to go get Orion. But come to find out he wouldn’t get out until 8. So I hugged my new friend goodbye and walked home.